Archive for primary

electshun center 2000 [+8]

Posted in Election 2008 with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2008 by spacetaco

In an effort to spotlight the most trivial elements of the campaign trail with a complete disregard for any actual policy, the spaceship has launched our comprehensive coverage of the 2008 election. The week’s top stories:

Dateline Pennsylvania: Barack and Roll

With the state’s primary up for grabs later this month, Barack Obama lived it up over the weekend in Altoona, PA. His keynote stop was a night of bowling at the Pleasant Valley Recreational Center.

CNN captured some of the senator’s flattering game “highlights”:

And, what was the final score for the man who may very be the next leader of the free world? The Detroit Free Press broke it best in their insightful article, ‘Spare Us”:

If you roll the ball with two hands you would almost certainly beat Barack Obama’s score: 37.

37?! Out of a possible 300? You’ve got to be kidding me. With a score like that, Obama averaged less than 2 pins each time he threw the ball. Don’t worry though, he’s still got game in other realms:

“My economic plan is better than my bowling,” Obama told fellow bowlers Saturday evening at the Pleasant Valley Recreation Center. “It has to be,” a man called out.

Obama Bowls

Obama’s PR team was quick to rectify the bowling blunder by emphasizing his character. In an official press statement, the senator’s score was blamed on a pile of orphaned kittens on the lane the he was in the process of adopting and weening.

Heart-warming.

Clinton Make Joke, Clinton Laugh!

Clinton LaughMeanwhile, Hillary Clinton called the experience of her Democratic nominee rival into question yet again during a special April Fool’s Day press briefing. And the AP was there to catch it all:

“Today, I am challenging Senator Obama to a bowl-off… A bowling night. Right here in Pennsylvania. The winner take all,” she went on. “I’ll even spot him two frames.”

Once all the laughter died down, the former first-lady continued with a ridiculous slew of lame bowling references:

“It is time for his campaign to get out of the gutter and allow all the pins to be counted. I’m prepared to play this game all the way to the 10th frame. When this game is over, the American people will know that when that phone rings at 3 a.m., they’ll have a president ready to bowl on day one.”

With all possible analogies between bowling and politics exhausted, Clinton moved on to… Sweet Jesus! She’s still going with this?!

“Let’s strike a deal and go bowling for delegates. We don’t have a moment to spare.”

Clinton elaborated on her sly bowling puns for some time, but most of the reporters had begun to file out by that point.

Everyone’s Favorite Third Wheel

Breaking news from the Republican front: after claims made by both the U.S. press corps and the Arizona DMV, John McCain has admitted to being 71 years old. If elected, this would mean the Vietnam War hero would be the country’s oldest serving president. But, don’t let his age mislead you. McCain has been very busy briefing reporters from his campaign headquarters: Denny’s Early Bird Sunday Brunch.

McCain Super BirdFaced with an elongated nominee process for the Democrats and the possibility of the final say going to super-delegates, McCain emphasized the next step of the Republican nominee race: The Super Bird. Addressing reporters from a corner booth, the senator read details from a prepared statement:

Thinly sliced turkey breast with melted Swiss cheese, bacon strips and tomato on grilled sourdough… Served with a mound of French fries or hash browns.

Mmmmm. Delicious.

Stay tuned for more coverage from the spaceship’s electshun center
spaceship awesomes > Denny’s > Barack, Hillary, and John combined